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At every school, you will find staff that will always arrive early and stay late. It’s their nature. Likewise, you will also find staff that arrive at the last minute and then beat the students out of the parking lot.
This is also true.
For whatever reason, you can generally find a group of students alone on campus, wandering some early, some late, some both. These students take this time to find a favorite teacher and, depending on the weather, may look for a dry space on a rainy day, a cool space on a hot day or warm space during the winter. This story is about one of those students. ***** was that individual. Every morning, like clockwork, would appear at my door, smiling, dropping by to visit. Polite, requesting to enter the lab and for the next ten minutes visiting. *****, so capable, funny, able to carry her end of a conversation. Cheerful. One could easily imagine a supportive and caring family.
Over the years, I choose to never prejudge my students. Unlike many teachers, I never pulled their cumulative (cum) folders looking for a “heads-up” regarding a child's academic progress or social development.
But ***** had, what appeared, a future filled with success.
This morning was different.
***** did not appear at my door. This morning Mr. *******, our principal, walked in, paused, hesitated, and choosing his words with care, seeking the right words, announced ***** had committed suicide. Her mother arrived home last night to find her daughter in the kitchen, lying on the floor gun in hand, note nearby. ***** had taken her mom’s boyfriend’s gun and ended her life.
At that moment, I had no words. Actually, I had one word, then and still today. Mr. ******* shared counselors would arrive soon to offer support for staff and students as needed. I struggled, and still I puzzle over why.
Every day, convivial, conversational, and unknown to her teachers, and administrators, and support staff conflicted.
Over the years, late at night, those Voices In My Head float in unannounced, leaving me feeling despondent. What could have been, what should have been, she was twelve then, today she would have been thirty-two.
Her friends wrote:
Dedicated to *****
“I couldn’t sleep last night writing your name many times, remembering the good and bad things that happened to us. I hear the wind blowing and I could hear your wonderful laughter and how much I loved it.”
“Even if you left me by myself, you would always be in my mind and in my heart you will never be in my past, but always in my present.”
“With you I found a unique friendship so special that I will keep it in my heart.”
“I want to say so much, but words can’t say what love can do, I know your gone, and it makes me cry.”
“It makes me sad that we never got a chance to say goodbye. The wind took all the words and things you said. I would do anything to have you here, we are so far apart.”
“I think of all the things you could have done, you picked the one that hurt me the most.”
“Our memories together, may they never end. Always and together, forever friends.”
“The ones who loved you and cared,“
“******* and *******”
In her own words:
All Alone
I have left,
You all alone.
With no one else,
I left you all alone.
Alone to be,
With someone else.
Forgive me for,
Leaving you all,
All by yourself.
By,
*****
I had no words, only a memory and sadness.
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