The Challenge: Decision Time

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Decision time, defined as a time at which an important choice must be undertaken; has arrived and requires an answer. The future suggests what may become while this moment is a certainty, locked in place. The future is so clear almost blinding, the present known, as accomplished moments intertwined with disappointments. I can feel the possibilities, they are sunny, heartfelt, and hopeful, looking forward nonetheless obscured by a vision where each day is a contemplation of promises yet to be fulfilled, or worse yet, even attempted.

I only need to close my eyes and for that moment realize what I seek was within reach but the voices in my head intrude and suggest it was only illusion, a yet unfulfilled dream. We live life longing for, working toward, striving to accomplish what we can see existing beyond the moment, so clear yet always one day away.

I was willing, motivated by others, supported by the universe, driven, filled with visions of grander, assuming tomorrow would be mine. I would own it. I practice and pranced, displayed my accomplishments with grace. And, the pain. Such pain. When in life do we let go of the dreams and desires that everyone who has ever taken a breath, in their souls must know will never be grasped.

Last night I had a dream, I imagined what reality look liked, felt liked, best described as contentment. I held on to that moment as long as possible while it slowly slipped away leaving only a fuzzy impression. Through a window I envisioned my passion the accomplishment I sought, I felt it, I embraced it I hoped it would never cease, while accepting truth stealing the moment.

As I organize each day, what did I seek; to reform injustice, influence society, make a statement, right-a-wrong, leave a legacy, create, or dance? My hopes framed with care, clearly out of reach. Sometimes it is just easier lowering expectations. I watch interviews of efficacious individuals claiming they are satisfied with their status, but really. Sound bites may appease the receiver but rarely aver reality.

How does one live in the here and now while speculating what might have been. I am master of my space in this universe. I have control of today as I take stock of my yesterdays. I wonder when once again that dream makes an appearance, do I hold it close, or push it away? Holding on I feel a mixture of pleasure, coated in gloom.

While fading days surround me and darkness closes in, what are my options, to hold on to an illusion or embrace the here and now? How does one grasp what is not real, a mirage even when it feels so real, so close, you see it, touch, hear it, experience it as it fades.

As a child I dreamed the dream, as an adolescent believed the dream, as a young adult I shared the dream, as I aged, I stumble, with age the dream was but a delusion.

Yesterday.... I thought of …. today.

Today…. I think of …. tomorrow.

Tomorrow…. I will think of …. yesterday.

Decision time.